I have been unhappy for many years, especially since 2010.
It has increased as I have grown up, events like the passing of my best friend and issues at my school becoming ever more difficult to deal with. I have been in various types of counselling in the years since.
This year, everything seemed to come to a head. I have been unable to work some days, crying about going to school. I've been suffering from panic attacks since February; mainly due to my school environment. It's had a small hit on my education, but, thankfully, not too much.
I never really thought I had any type of anxiety. I've had rituals and what I used to call "severe paranoia" for years, but I'd never thought much of it. I'd never thought that the thoughts about the one time I got in trouble which haunted me at night were anything abnormal. I never thought any of it was abnormal.
My first panic attack occurred due to the situation at hand - I'd had an issue with a teacher which mum had called the school about. I was scared to go into a lesson with them, because I hadn't seen them since, and was worried that they hated me and etcetera. We thought it was a one time thing.
It happened again the next week. We figured out that my English group was a issue, but we still didn't think it was going to happen again. It happened again on Friday, and then we knew the school itself was the issue at hand.
I had one at Scout camp the next day, down to adrenaline and new surroundings. Afterwards, it was quite funny - my friend Josh, whom I've mentioned before forgot what he was meant to do to help and it ended up with everyone flapping a little bit.
And so, off to the GP we went. He referred me to CAMHS, whom I've had my introduction session with, and I'm due to have some CBT in July. But anyway.
Me and my family had some misunderstandings with my school over it all, but they weren't unsupportive after we found out what was really happening. They've given me a stress ball and told teachers; so it's okay. The panic attacks since the initial two weeks have been pretty much daily, averaging 3 or 4 a week.
The anxiety is one thing that's hindered me; there's been days where I've had to have first lesson off because I can't walk in, I have to leave lessons randomly and the attacks make me exhausted. I'm learning to put a handle on them, though.
The depression is another thing. We think I have some form of survivor's guilt, and that a lot of other events with extended family and bullying haven't helped along the way. I'm going into that side less here, but it's another element to everything.
I get a bitter taste in my mouth when girls at school say they're depressed, or OCD, or anything of the sort. A lot of my group of friends are also going through some sort of similar issue, and it's not a great situation for any of us.
However. On Monday, my mum went to an appeal panel for a school that I really wanted to go to, and on Wednesday we had the call that they've given me a place, and I may have cried, a tiny bit. Everyone at school knows and although everyone, including myself, is sad; we all know it's what's best, and I'm excited to start there in the next few weeks.
So, that's what's been up with me for a few months; and I apologise for those waiting on reviews and anyone who happened to miss me. I hope that after my end of years next week, and finding out when I'll be moving school, I can get back into it; at least a little bit.
I don't know how eloquent this is; but I wanted to update you because I know I haven't been very active lately and I don't want anyone to be worried.